Monday, February 16, 2009

Flake Boy

So... Flake Boy flaked on Valentine's day. Previously he's flaked on stuff, but nothing with actual importance. Based on him doing this before, generally for "we'll do lunch" type plans, I've told him that if he wants to bail, he must call, or text if he's to wussy to call. Yet nothing this time. Ironically, it's not that Valentine's Day is actually important to me. What is important is he made it a point to invite me out 2 weeks in advance, and discussed possible plans in the interim, then ignored a phone call, text, and email on the day of, only calling me with a lame excuse when his mom came home and yelled at him. Not cool. (I'm guessing because he knew he was being a jackass and didn't want to hear it.) And it's the one day a year I can't just meander over to the local joint and drink up without looking like I got ditched.

Because I know he's a bit of a flake, despite showing up when I needed his help on the kitchen, I didn't ask him to pick me up from the hospital this coming thursday, but instead am getting my mom to fly out and drive me home. Ok, and coddle me afterward and make sure I don't die in my sleep or otherwise need to go back to the doc. But still. If he was more reliable, I could have asked him.

So we're in negotiations as to whether or not he's willing to not be a jackass. Could go either way right now. I talked about it with my brother who is on the "dude, that's seriously not cool" side, like me.

I got to thinking about it though and I'm someone who fundamentally runs late. I do try to mitigate this and be on time when it's non-negotiable (like being in a wedding, catching a plane or live theater show, or a job interview). I don't do this to piss people off, and I'm intending no discourtesy, it's just the way I roll, although I do work to minimize lateness when it's possible. (Up to and including getting surgery to help my sleep disorder.) But basically, I don't hang out with or work for people who get seriously jacked by my running late.

One thing though, is if I say I'll show up, I'll show up. (And almost always soon enough to be useful.) It's only in the last couple of years I've given myself permission to change my mind after accepting an invite. But I always, always contact whomever it is that I'm bailing on, and I do it in advance when possible. Because I think it's fundamentally rude to say you're going to show and then not show. However, I don't think it's fundamentally rude to be a little late. Yet I am aware that some people do think there's nothing worse that being late - like I said, I don't hang with them. So my question for the boy is whether or not he's just going to bail without notice on occasion and think nothing of it, in which case I'm not really interested in being stood up and I shake him off. Or if he recognizes it as bad behavior that affects me and is willing to work on it. I'm currently open to that because he is a good egg when he bothers to show up.

What do you all think?


azteclady said...

I went with "give him another chance" but I'll expand a bit here, if I may.

I gather that you have now told him why this behaviour bothers you, and how it affects you--practically speaking, such as vainly waiting for him to go somewhere else or what have you.

If you had told him before, very specifically, all that, and he continued the behaviour, then... well, he either can't change, or you aren't important enough to want to change.

But if, on previous occasions, you weren't very clear as to why you were peeved, I do believe he deserves a second chance to prove whether you matter to him or not.

Long winded tangent of sorts: I think that sometimes good people simply don't see the full effects of their actions. They don't mean to convey lack of interest or whatever, but neither do they stop to consider how they would perceive the same action if it were directed at them. Once that is made clear, there is no "I didn't realize" excuse--if they choose to continue with the behaviour, then it's time for the affected party to move on.

Anonymous said...

I voted for keeping him around whilst still looking for someone else (heavy emphasis on looking for someone else). Most non-comatose people know bailing on v-day is frowned upon even if the plans are casual.


mic said...

yeesh. I seriously want to slap this guy silly. I agree with Quiche: keep him around for now, but keep on looking. No showing (for any reason other than imminent death) isn't okay. What is he, twelve?

Dude. Not okay.

Anonymous said...

Mic you are much more forgiving than I am....if death hasn't occured yet you should be where you've said you'd be!


Janet Webb said...

My dh of now [yeesh -- we're in to 30+ years?] forever had a great track record of bailing on New Year's Eve -- and now as a family, we don't have great traditions for that night. A couple great parties but usually, nope, just another night.

I agree, No Excuse other than death or dismemberment for bailing on V-Day: especially since plans were made. It's just too hurtful. And of course, jmho!

azteclady said...

Well, I'm clearly in the minority here--mostly because I don't see Valentine's as all important.

(Then again, I don't consider weddings "the" happiest day ever--it's a symbol, nothing more *shrug*)

CrankyOtter said...

Thanks all!

We chatted last night. I laid out what I expect. I told him to think about what he wants and get back to me next week and we'll see if these things are in any way compatible. He was apparently freaking out about "liking me too much" [eye roll] and the implications of having dinner on Vday. (so he knew it was externally important, even if it's not my big thing, and sat home on the couch anyway). He is a dating retard. He managed to tell a coworker, so he's getting shit about this from home and work/friends.

And he picked me up a drilling jig for installing cabinet handles, so he's not totally worthless.

I'm giving him another chance but I will be keeping an eye out. Let me know if you have any non-ooky SoCal friends in need of a female date.

Beki said...

My advice is to ask yourself if you are happier with him even with his flaws or without him? Maybe you can let him know that it is OK to bail if he gives you plenty of notice so maybe next time he will feel free to let you know he is having second thoughts about about showing up. And if he cancels a date be sure to tell him that is great news because something better has come up and you are glad you will be free to accept the other offer--- then let him sweat over that. lol